Today, I thought I would take a moment to write an open letter to Martha Stewart...
May I call you Martha, or do you prefer Ms. Stewart? Or perhaps you prefer Prisoner #55170-054. Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I'll just stick with Martha. Anyhow, I digress...
You may be wondering why an engaged young man like myself is writing an open letter to you. Well, I've got few bones to pick with you. And, yes, they revolve around weddings. First things first, let's chat about your magazine. Now, I love my fiancee more than anything. However, when the latest edition of Martha Stewart Weddings comes out, we have to immediately go and get it. We then go through it, looking for new and more ideas for our wedding.
Thanks to you and your magazine, Martha, I spent an entire evening this week making bunting. Now, until this week, I always thought bunting was something that a batter did in baseball in order to advance a runner on base. So, naturally, when my fiancee began to discuss bunting, I thought we might be going to a baseball game, my favorite past-time. You, Martha, can imagine my surprise when bunting turned out to be an all-evening arts and crafts project. Not an ounce of baseball was involved.
I'd also like to take a moment to discuss your supposed "authority" on weddings. Now, Martha, according to Wikipedia (Yes, I use Wikipedia, and if I ever teach students, I will allow them to use Wikipedia as well), you were married in 1961. Martha, I don't know if you know this, but that was a while ago. You haven't planned a wedding in almost 50 years. Martha, come on. A lot has changed since then. Far be it for me to criticize your style or designs, I just would like to see what exactly gives you this authority over modern-day weddings.
So, Martha, that's what I have to say to you right now. Feel free to respond to me at any point. I'm anxiously waiting for your response.
Peace, Love, and Bunting,